Bartolo...You, Sir, Are a Slob
Isn't it remarkable that a man who won the Cy Young Award last year for the American League can feel good about having this haircut? I know what you're thinking: "Well, Reisling, the rest of him ain't exactly perfect."Bartolo's a guy who, at the ripe age of 33, has already ridden the see-saw between stardom and being washed up several times (probably much to the see-saw's chagrin; see-saw could not be reached for comment). The velocity on his fastball mysteriously vanished upon his exit from Cleveland (in the ill-fated Brandon Phillips, Grady Sizemore, and Cliff Lee trade with the Montreal Expos), returned for his All-Star year last year, and is now back in the high 80's.
Behind the up-and-coming Ervin Santana and Jered Weaver and suddenly rock-solid vets John Lackey (he of the 2 consecutive shutouts) and Kelvim Escobar, Bartolo has become arguably the weakest member of the Los Angeles Frisco San Diego Laguna Beach Angels of Anaheim's staff. Yes, he is a tub of red beans and rice, but this is happenstance in baseball. It's all about how you carry it. People embrace David Ortiz being chubby because, simply put, he's the coolest guy in baseball. They tolerate David Wells because he, like fellow corpulent mass John Daly, is a staggering drunk/rare athlete who truly speaks his mind. They strongly support Charles Barkley because his girth led to him garnering one of the all-time great sports nicknames and providing Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith with a boatload of fodder to rip on him with.
The reason it's not cool for Bartolo to be a fat pig is because of that awful, awful haircut. He looks like he is a loyal visitor to Richard Simmons' hairdresser. With his ballcap on, it looks like he's trying to conceal a small dog or a black forest chocolate cake underneath (which is delicious! the cake, that is...).
Please Bart...shave it for the kids.
